Do you worry that you'll screw up your child?

[Cyndi]

I worry about it from time to time. My husband and I both come from divorced parents. We've both had step parents that have been not so nice people at times. I've seen a lot of things growing up that have made me resent my mom, especially in my teenage years. But it's also made me the person that I am today. My husband and I are determined to provide a happy loving family for our daughter so that she doesn't have to experience the things that we did growing up. I'm sure we will screw up along the way and I'm sure there are things we have already screwed up on. But we are just doing the best that we can and hoping for the best. I think that's all any parent can do regardless of how you were brought up.

[Linzi]

I worry a lot about religion. I know that sounds odd.

I grew up in a household with a mom who introduced my brother and I to the Lutheran church and a dad who is basically as absolutely atheistic as they come. I've been baptized, confirmed, have read the Bible from cover to cover more than once, and have even been kicked out of Bible study for arguing a point in Revelation with the church vicar. The resulting me believes (somewhat) in a higher power, but most likely not in the Christian/Jewish/Muslim sense. I believe that Jesus lived and was a nice man with a good word, but I do not believe that he is the Messiah. And, basically, unless he appears in front of me and says, "Hey, I'm the Messiah.", I will probably continue that course throughout my life.

So, that said, I don't think general Christian values can hurt my children, but I struggle with any real religious direction for them. But, would I do them a disservice by not introducing them to one specific religion that I feel they should follow? And, if I do, wouldn't that be hypocritical since I feel as I do based on my own experiences? (I already feel somewhat hypocritical since I do the whole Christmas tree/gifts/blah blah thing.) Ideally, I would like them to learn and understand a variety of religions and have the freedom to choose their own paths - but, I can't shake my own upbringing and wonder how I might be different if I wasn't raised in the Lutheran church. I *feel* it is possible to be a good person and know right from wrong without being a Christian or even part of any specific religion, but, as that was not my experience in my formative years, I don't *know* that. Christian values are an intrisic part of my life because that is how I was raised (though I don't think anyone is going to burn in Hell for having premarital sex, or being gay, or having children out of wedlock, etc., etc.), and although I no longer align myself with the absolutes of Christianity, it will always be a part of my life.

Currently, my oldest son goes to a mother's day out program at a local Lutheran church. I didn't choose it because it was Lutheran and in fact hesitated because of the religious affiliation, but I'd heard great things about the program and really liked what I saw when I toured it. At his age, the religious talk isn't a high priority, and I was very pleased to see that the kids were learning about Hannukah, etc., during the holiday season.

So, I am getting terribly long-winded, but - basically - I don't want to indoctrinate my children with something that I don't firmly believe in myself. At the same time, I wonder if I would hurt them by raising them essentially religion-less. I want them to be open-minded, educated, and wordly, with an understanding of many people and cultures. I don't believe that anyone can say that any particular religion is right or wrong - from Christianity to whether or not Ra is really the god of the sun. Then again, if my children were raised Christian and were plain 'ol good people, I don't think that would be a bad thing either.

Sorry that this was so lengthy and probably made zero sense - this issue is something I really struggle with on a near daily basis.

[ibtina]

I do worry about it. I know I've screwed her up with her eating habits b/c they're just like mine. I worry that she will be overweight and have a negative self-image (though she does not at this time and is normal weight.)......I worry that she will run with the wrong crowd or get mixed up in things I don't approve of. My DH and I are doing our best to raise her in a Christian home with Christian values, hoping she will choose that path when the time comes, and hoping that will help her not get in with the wrong crowd...........so much to think about!!!!

[tessmom]

Originally Posted by Linzi

So, I am getting terribly long-winded, but - basically - I don't want to indoctrinate my children with something that I don't firmly believe in myself. At the same time, I wonder if I would hurt them by raising them essentially religion-less. I want them to be open-minded, educated, and wordly, with an understanding of many people and cultures. I don't believe that anyone can say that any particular religion is right or wrong - from Christianity to whether or not Ra is really the god of the sun. Then again, if my children were raised Christian and were plain 'ol good people, I don't think that would be a bad thing either.

Sorry that this was so lengthy and probably made zero sense - this issue is something I really struggle with on a near daily basis.

You should check out the Unitarians maybe (Unitarian Universalists). It is like a church where you can believe in 'God' in the Christian sense but you can be an atheist and belong to the church or a pagan or Jewish. We are considering it ourselves (I am not religious or even spiritual really) so that we can have a community to which to belong.

Oh, and I consider Christmas at this point a cultural holiday so I have no problem celebrating it (trees, hymns, etc.) in this sense.

I don't want my children being raised around narrow minded Christians but since I live in e. TN I don't suppose there is any way around them meeting some of these people. I just hope I can show them that there are positive examples of Christians in the world and then let them decide for themselves as adults what they believe. I was raised Methodist (sort of) but my mom is Greek Orthodox and has returned to her church in her older years.

[vegmom]

Ha, I already know mines gonna have issues, nothing to worry about though :-) We all have issues too. And we all have something to say about our pasts, and some things we may over compensate for because we don't want them to be the other way, but that ends up being too much... some may not do as much of some things because their parents went over board, and that ends up not being enough. Too much of this, not enough of that, we really can't win. Because they are their OWN people and what we think should be one way, they may need a different way.

At the end of the day,

Hubby and I are very different and I can hope in dream land that Veg will only grow up to be the best parts of each of us. But in the real world I know that he will become what he becomes. And I hope he is able to take the good parts and make those his own.

All I can do is provide him the best I've got and hope for the best for him. If there is something I feel I'm not doing right, then it is up to me to change that before its too late.

From there its all him

[bydesign]

I *feel* it is possible to be a good person and know right from wrong without being a Christian or even part of any specific religion, but, as that was not my experience in my formative years, I don't *know* that.

Know that, please! I believe almost every human being has some absolutes and knows right from wrong, regardless of being part of any specific religion. I also really enjoyed your post. I thought it was very well thought out and clear and it made this topic even more interesting in my opinion!

Saler....You are NOT your mother, AMEN! And you love your children. That has to be enough in my opinion. And I did vote "sometimes" I'm not perfect! Of course I've wondered, doubted and struggled, but I can remind myself that this is wasted energy and it's always time to move forward, not backward.

Tessmom....awesome book, and recommendation! Generations of women have changed and so does parenting. Our moms were doing what they believed to be right for us then, just as we do now.

[vegmom]

Also to add about the religion thing.. It is amazing how many people I come across that say they are against religion now because of how they were raised or forced to go to church, etc. I can't imagine any of those parents 30 years ago, thought they were "making a mess" of their kids by taking them to church, temple, or what ever.

I see 1000's of people exiting churches around here on Sundays now. I'm sure most of them feel they are doing the right thing by taking their children with them. How many of those kids will grow up and say their parents forced them. Probably a bunch, just like some in our generation say now.

Then there are those that say, "I'm messed up as an adult because my parents didn't believe in anything and now I don't know where I fit it"

And there are those siblings of those same people that grew up in the same houses that feel completely opposite and are perfectly fine in their adult skin.

Everyone is different.. and our children are each different.

What I'm trying to say is that Yes, we should provide our children a good foundation, we should teach right from wrong, we should offer them healthy atmosphere, Encourage their likes, and understand their dislikes, we should provide a positive education what ever that is for each family and a belief system that is important to us, teach about others and the world and the taking care of their surroundings and the earth, We should provide food and shelter and Love... There are basics in my opinion of what we should do as parents...

But what they become and what they consider "we parents messed up" when they grow, will be all their own. And I can't believe that any one of us will get away without at least one thing they have to say about their upbringing in a negative way.

Is it worth worrying about now? NO.. And like I said in the other post, if I'm doing something that is worth worrying about, then it is up to me to change it. Otherwise, worrying is much wasted energy.

I like that comedian Jeff Allen that says, he tells his boys to wright everything they don't like down now and he'll initial it. So they'll have an easier time when they go to the shrink with their list as adults. (not his exact words but same concept) and then he says what can he tell them "Do-Over..." its wasted energy at that point too.

[sailrmerc2]

Thanks for the book recommendation, tessmom. I just requested it for Christmas. One of my big peeves is how many books are out there on how to be a good dad and raise boys right or girls right but so few about how to be a good mom and raise healthy kids. Are we just expected to KNOW?

[tessmom]

You know I just pulled it out last night and was re-reading. It is a lot more 'new agey' than I remember (she talks about chakras and stuff). I think if you can read around that stuff (if you aren't into it) there is a lot of really great insight and ideas about healing relationships with your mother (for yourself in other words) and also how to raise healthy daughters (she talks about money, sexuality, etc). But you might want to look at it at the bookstore or library if you think the new-ageyness is not appealing (I like it even though I'm very left-brain science oriented just for another perspective...).